Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Randomize
