I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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