i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
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