its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I am one with the molecules
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
