guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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