4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
