Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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