My friends, they love my intelligence
Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Randomize
