Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
