He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
