Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
