and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
My vagina just clenched in fear
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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