Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
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