She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
