Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Randomize
