I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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