I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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