Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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