there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
