You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Drunk is a universal language darling
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
