I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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