hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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