He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
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