I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
