Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
