Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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