I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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