Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
