My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
