Where are you?
In a non slutty way
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
You pole danced in your parka.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
