Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
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