she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
