i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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