My underwear smells like fireworks.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
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