just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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