nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
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