just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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