i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
