Sober January is a disaster.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
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