I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
