I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Randomize
