I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
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