Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Randomize
