EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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