i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Randomize
