i will never coherently bang her
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize