Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
