if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Randomize
