Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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