What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
