i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
