It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
