Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Randomize
