I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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