Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
