My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
