phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
