does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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