Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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