I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
You left your phone here
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