If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
