omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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