I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
