i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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