i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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