phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
