So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
