we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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