im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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